there's something i want to say, so i'll be brave
by seemslikeaporno
Summary: You were what I wanted. / BeckRobbie, oneshot.


_there's something i want to say, so i'll be brave_

**summary**: You were what I wanted.  
><strong>disclaimer<strong>: victorious isn't mine. the title/quote/summary all come from the song "your ex-lover is dead" by stars.

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"_When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."_

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It all starts with a kiss.

Or maybe it starts with a hug or a handshake or a look or – "Stop thinking so much."

"Sorry."

Beck cocks his head and raises his eyebrow until it's hidden by his hair. Robbie thinks he looks funny, doesn't say so because he knows he looks funnier. He'll never amount to who Beck is, won't even come close.

"Hey," Beck mutters, touching Robbie's shoulder, "Stop thinking so much."

He smiles. Repetition. Robbie's heart explodes and rises to his throat.

Repetition.

;;

did you ever –

do you ever –

are there ever –

"Beck," Robbie blurts while Beck's fingers are weaving paths through his curls that no stranger could follow, "Beck," he says again.

There's a hole in his heart – can you feel it? – "Hm?" – can you fill it?

"I, uh. I." Nothing's coming out.

Just say it just say it just _say it_.

"I love you, too," Beck answers, kissing Robbie's nose like he's some little girl. Robbie finds his lips.

"Okay." He breathes, "Okay."

are there ever happy endings?

do you ever want one?

did you ever have one?

;;

_He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not_.

"That's cute," Beck says with his arm slung over the back of the park bench while Robbie picks the petals off a wildflower.

He loves me.

It's bright, the birds are chirping, there are children screaming, dogs are barking –

He loves me not.

Beck leans his head on Robbie's shoulder. He smells like apples and cinnamon and burning firewood and home. He always smells like home.

He loves me.

"I love you," he whispers into Robbie's ear; his breath is warm, it tickles, soothes –

he loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me –

;;

It's raining and they're fighting and Robbie's face is red and he can see the veins on Beck's neck and it kills him because Beck is stillalwaysforever _perfect_.

"Shut up!"

Heavy breathing – why – Robbie averts his gaze to the floor – what were they even fighting about, again? – "I need a fucking smoke." – _I don't like it when you smoke_ – "I _need_ a fucking smoke."

Beck goes outside and lights up with some difficulty because the wind keeps blowing rainwater into his face. Robbie stares out the window, prays he'll give up, but Beck finally manages to light it and he pushes it in between his lips just as soon as smoke billows from the tip.

Robbie goes outside – "What are you doing?" – pulls the cigarette out of Beck's mouth with determination he didn't know he had – "Robbie, give that back!"

"Please no. No, no, no." Robbie pauses, tears threatening him, "Please, Beck."

I'm sorry.

"Just give it back." He holds out his hand. Robbie grits his teeth and closes his eyes and pushes the burning part of the cigarette into the palm of Beck's hand – his own skin sears his eyes leak – "Robbie!"

I'm sorry!

Robbie drops the cigarette onto the porch.

They stare at it together in the rain.

;;

"You're going to get diabetes if you eat too much of that," Robbie scorns while Beck plucks off pieces of cotton candy from the cone.

It's hot and summer and it's before everything goes wrong, and Beck laughs like Robbie is the funniest man in the world and pushes another piece of pure sugar into his mouth.

"Worry-wart." Beck smiles, "You just need to settle down."

Robbie crosses his arms gives Beck a disapproving look, reprimanding – You never listen.

Yeah, well.

;;

When Beck leaves, Robbie burns all of his letters, and every _I love you_ that's ever been documented on paper turns to ashes.

Robbie convinces himself that it's okay, that he'll come back, that everything will be fine, that this and this and that will happen because Robbie doesn't know what to do when Beck isn't there (he needs him he _needs_ him).

_Hey, Robbie – _

_I know you're probably busy, but I just wanted to tell you that –_

_- my parents are starting to get – _

_- angry, but I really do – _

_- Love you_,

_Beck_

The fire glares in Robbie's glasses.

From the ashes, a phoenix will rise.

;;

The pictures are next.

;;

Beck inspects the burn on his hand for weeks after it happens and Robbie never really stops apologizing.

"Beck,"

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry –"

"It's fine, Robbie."

"Beck…"

"Robbie, really." Beck smiles and Robbie knows it's fakefakefake but he doesn't say so. "It's okay."

;;

They're laughing so loudly that the people in the apartment next door have started hitting the walls with something and are demanding that they shut the fuck up and go to bed.

"Shh," Beck says, stifling his laughter, "Shut up, man," he says, leaning forwards and silencing Robbie with a kiss. They both chuckle, look each other in the eye, "Shh, they're – they're gonna get mad!" But Beck's still laughing so Robbie can't exactly stop, either.

"I want to – let's – _Beck_," Robbie leans forward and kisses him again and it's sloppy and silly and they still can't stop laughing but it's one of the best kisses Robbie's ever had, including the kisses he and Beck have shared before.

"I love you, Robbie," Beck says, hands trailing up his back, "I love you."

I, uh. _Oh_.

;;

The phone doesn't get very good reception anywhere but Robbie calls Beck anyways, desperation leaking from his voice when he breathes _hey_ into the receiver after Beck answers.

"Robbie?" Beck sounds shocked. A little freaked – why did you leave me why did you leave me _Beck why did you leave_?

"Yeah. Uh, listen, Beck," Robbie starts, doesn't know how to finish.

"I – I don't want to talk to you."

Yes you do.

"I have to go."

No, you don't.

"Robbie – I'll – I'll see you around."

"Don't leave again."

"Robbie…Stop, you're…"

"Don't leave me again! Beck, I – I need you! Beck, please, Beck," his voice cracks –

the dial tone is deafening –

his heart cracks.

;;

Robbie burns the clothes Beck left in the back of the closet, the last sign of him except the smell of his cologne on Robbie's pillows.

Robbie falls into bed. Clutches the pillow to his chest and breathes – in and out, in and out. Apples.

He reaches for his phone, dials Beck's number without thinking about it. It rings, rings, rings –

cinnamon; sharp, sudden –

No answer. He tries again. It rings four times, no answer. He calls again.

"Robbie."

Home.

Beck always smells like home.

"I can't live without you."

;;

"Isn't it –?"

"I love you."

Robbie stops. "What?" Laughs uneasily.

They're in high school and Beck just broke up with Jade and Beck is Robbie's best friend and Robbie's is Beck's.

Beck looks at him square in the eye, doesn't laugh. "I love you."

It rolls off his tongue so easily and Robbie's immensely jealous that Beck isn't afraid to put his heart on the line. For a moment, Robbie stares, flabbergasted. Beck almost looks like he's about to fall into a million pieces but he won't, not here.

"I – I'm sorry. I'll leave."

The only courageous thing Robbie's ever done is kiss Beck first.

;;

This is stupid I'm so stupid I'm sorry Please forgive me I'm in love with you I'm sorry.

Robbie takes two pills, three, four, five – ten – a dozen, more than that – follows it with alcohol. It burns all the way down his throat.

He blinks – everything is out of focus and spinning and he's floating.

He clutches the pillow to him.

Home. He's home.

;;

"Why don't you ever tell me you love me back?" Beck touches Robbie's hand and doesn't meet his gaze and Robbie's throat closes up.

"Because you – you _know_." It's a lame excuse, it really is.

"But –"

Robbie kisses him, and after one year, seven months and four days, he finally mutters _I love you_ against his lips.

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end.

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a/n: i'm not really sure how i feel about this piece. i wanted to try something different so i wrote it non-linear, and i'm not sure how well it worked. either way, thank you for reading. **please review with something more than "so weird" or "i loved it"**.


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